


Inside These Pages Are The Promises I Kept

by divinelydecreed



Series: Of Rust, Dust, and Stardust [3]
Category: BLACKPINK
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, I think I'm a masochist, Lisa-centric, it's really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 04:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18242447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divinelydecreed/pseuds/divinelydecreed
Summary: "Why is it still her living in your writings?""Maybe it's a way to remind myself that she's here... even if she's not."Where Lisa is a writer and promised Jennie that her books will always be about her. After a few years of being together, they had their downfall but Lisa still kept her promise.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> another story to ruin y'alls mood. Yeehaw!

Lisa finds one of Jennie's pictures out of nowhere in the four corners of her room. The picture shows Jennie's gummy smile, the smile Lisa has always loved and adored.

 

She felt like she swallowed dust.

 

She takes out a wooden box under her bed, dust coated all over it vaguely after Lisa left it and never dared to touch it again. It consists of the fragments and ghosts of Jennie. It's been years since Lisa has last touched that box. It became a Pandora's box to her.

 

She gently placed the picture inside, the picture joins the many catastrophes the box holds. Lisa was about to close it, the lid was already hovering over the box but Lisa stole one last glance at the picture again.

 

And it all came rushing back to her.

 

She slowly put aside the lid and took the picture of Jennie she recently found. She analyzed the picture, tracing every outline and memorizing every detail she could see. The beauty of Jennie never deteriorating. She's still as beautiful exactly the way Lisa remembers her.

 

She cries holding the picture close to her.

 

That day Lisa started the draft of her 7th novel. she thinks it's gonna be about wrong timings, wrong choices, and remorse.

 

She wants to write about how their story went downhill.

 

* * *

 

  
Lisa remembers it was fifteen; Fifteen where it all started and where it became palpable.

 

Remembers Jennie going on a date with a guy named Hanbin. Remembers how her chest tightened, remembers how her throat started to close up, remembers how her stomach churned, remembers how her mouth started to go dry and remembers how words tangled themselves in the back of her throat at the sight of her best friend wearing a black dress.

 

She remembers Jennie texting her the whole time. Remembers that Jennie kept complaining about how he was too clingy and he kissed too sloppily and with too much tongue. Lisa remembers cringing at the image she pictured in her head.

 

Faintly remembers how Jennie smelled like cologne when she got back from the date.

 

Faintly remembers how it started to hurt in a way that isn't all too familiar.

 

* * *

 

Chaeyoung suddenly burst through Lisa's door. Lisa's too occupied in her own writings to mind anything that's happening in the real world right now. She's still living inside the world she created in her head, that she's currently typing in her laptop.

 

Reality couldn't touch her at this moment.

 

"Lisa, why aren't you answering any of my calls?!" The Aussie girl yells at Lisa in a concerned manner.

 

Lisa only gives her a once-over and immediately went back to writing. Her focus never leaving the screen of her laptop.

 

"Lisa..." Chaeyoung's voice became softer once she noticed this familiar yet heartbreaking disposition of her best friend.

 

She knows this Lisa all too well. A lump started to form in the cave of her throat.

 

"Chaeng, I'm busy writing a draft for my next novel. I can't leave this." Lisa tells her in such a serious tone that she almost doesn't recognize her best friend. "Can you please tone it down? Or maybe leave? That would be much better." Lisa deadpans. Chaeyoung acts like she's not offended at what the girl said.

 

Chaeyoung didn't reply, instead she inconspicuously skimmed the paragraphs Lisa recently typed out and her heart breaks at every word the Thai girl wrote.

 

"Why is it still her living in your writings?" Chaeyoung asked tremulously, afraid that she might involuntarily hurt her best friend. She picked at the skin of her nails trying to distract herself from all of this.

 

Lisa quickly stopped typing. She stared at the screen blankly. Doe-eyes dull and crestfallen. There was a deafening silence that encircled the room. The atmosphere in the room felt heavy, there was a change of pressure at the mention of  _her_ name, Chaeyoung can feel her chest tighten making it hard for her to breathe.

 

"Maybe it's a way to remind myself that she's here... even if she's not." Lisa confessed heavy-heartedly.

 

Chaeyoung didn't expect an answer. Never expected Lisa would ever speak about her again.

 

For the past years everytime she asked about Jennie it always feels like talking to a complete wall, talking to the walls Lisa has built for herself after that  _day._ Now, hearing this confession about Jennie breaks her heart in more ways than one.

 

"And she's the only thing I could write about."

 

Lisa kept staring blankly at the screen of her laptop, a lone tear made its way on her cheek. Then tear after tear followed. Paint splattered teardrops stained her yellow shirt.

 

* * *

 

  
Sixteen, now.

 

Sixteen and she's freaking out how badly she wants to kiss her best friend. Sixteen and she knows she shouldn't be feeling this way toward Jennie. Sixteen and she just can't help it because how could she not fall for a person like Jennie when the girl is just too ethereal. Sixteen and she's scared to death.

 

"You stopped going on dates, why is that? Got tired of boys?" Lisa laughs it off while she spins in her chair, flipping the pages of a Paulo Coelho book she recently bought. Jennie stares at her, a lazy smile on her face as she watches her best friend spin around the chair like a child.

 

"Yeah, kind of." Jennie chuckles as she plopped down on Lisa's bed, staring at the ceiling and looking at the glow-in-the-dark stars she helped Lisa paste. "And it's not only boys I date." Jennie muses nonchalantly.

 

Lisa looks at her for a moment. Processing what she had just said.

 

_Oh._

 

"Pardon?" Lisa gapes, she stopped spinning and stared at Jennie with a surprised and confused expression on her face.

 

"I said," Jennie stands up from her bed and slowly made her way toward Lisa. Lisa's breathing became heavy and she can feel her stomach churning again. "It's not only boys I date. I like girls too." Jennie gives her a goofy smile, poking her nose and giving it a quick peck. Lisa thinks her body stopped functioning.

 

 _I'm gonna fucking die._ Lisa says to herself.

 

"Oh, alright." Lisa muses, her whole body stiff.

 

"But you still haven't answered my question," Lisa quietly tells her.

 

Jennie sighs dramatically and Lisa can't help but chuckle at Jennie's dramatic antics. "They just don't feel right. They're fine but I don't see myself lasting with them. That's why I break it off before things start." Jennie confesses.

 

Jennie starts holding Lisa's hands, intertwining them together and started swinging it absentmindedly.

 

Lisa gives her a teasing smile, "my best friend is such a player." Lisa laughs.

 

"Hey, it's not my fault a lot of people fall for me." Jennie playfully rolls her eyes. Lisa silently agrees. She's one of those people.

 

The sunlight started to outline every detail of Jennie's face, enhancing her beauty more, Lisa finds it unfair. Lisa wants the ground to swallow her, wants to cry, and wants to kiss her even more.

 

"And besides, I have my eyes on someone." Jennie smiles fondly at the Thai girl. Jennie stares at Lisa in such an intimate way, the way they're staring makes it seem as if they're not friends, as if they were something more. And just by that idea alone makes Lisa weak.

 

Lisa thinks Jennie is trying to indicate a morse code she can't decipher. Lisa can just feel every fiber of her body heat up under Jennie's gaze.

 

Lisa feels the world stopped rotating on its own axis. Feels like time stopped at this very moment.

 

Sixteen is where Lisa starts to think that maybe this whole phenomenon, having-feelings-toward-your-bestfriend that is, isn't so one-sided after all.

 

Sixteen is where Lisa started to write poems and metaphors for Jennie.

 

* * *

 

Chaeyoung cooks for lunch while Lisa's sitting on the dining table. They're at the kitchen, Chaeyoung was lucky enough to persuade Lisa to get out of her computer seat. She knows how hard it is to get the girl out of that fucking seat once she started typing all the things she wants to express.

 

Chaeyoung momentarily steals a glance at Lisa, to know how her best friend is doing, and everytime she looks at her she does the same thing; Stares at the picture of Jennie she's holding and caressing it with so much care and gentleness. Her heart wrenches at the sight.

 

Chaeyoung places the food in front of Lisa, the Thai girl barely glanced at it, her eyes still glued to the picture. 

 

Chaeyoung lets out a sad sigh. "you really miss her, don't you?"

 

Lisa nods, "a lot..."

 

"I just want her back, Chaeng." Lisa quietly muses, she glances up at Chaeyoung with longing eyes. She'd been lost in her head for nearly an hour.

 

"Lis... we both know it's impossible." Chaeyoung painfully tells her.

 

"I know..." Lisa's voice trails off.

 

* * *

 

  
Seventeen.

 

Seventeen is where Lisa's really sure it was never one-sided.

 

They're at a party Irene throws while her parents are out of town. Lisa's seating beside her friend, Seulgi, who is not really enjoying the party.

 

Seulgi tells her that she only went to this party because Irene's her girlfriend and she can't help but surrender and say yes. Lisa thinks Seulgi's too whipped, and Lisa realizes that she's the same as the older girl, since Jennie just dragged her here and she can't also say no.

 

Pop songs kept booming inside the house, too loud for Lisa's liking. She'd rather stay at home and write about anything or one person in particular--Jennie. She takes small drinks of alcohol in her red cup, absentmindedly observing the things happening in front of her eyes right now.

 

 _I could totally use this party as a metaphor or something,_ she says to herself.

 

Lisa's eyes continued to roam around the house but her gaze stopped at a sight she doesn't want to see.

 

Jennie and Bobby were dancing together. they were facing each other, bodies too close for Lisa's liking, his hands caressing Jennie's waist in a way Lisa wants to punch the fuck out of him. But what gets Lisa the most is that Jennie's smiling widely while she grinds on him.

 

Lisa's positive that he's a jerk, Seulgi backed up her assumption -- something about him intentionally bumping her at the hallways of their school or something. He's a jerk mostly because he starts to kiss Jennie's neck once she starts to put her arms around his neck. Lisa has had enough.

 

She freezes up and Seulgi notices. She follows Lisa's line of sight and  _oh._

 

Seulgi doesn't miss the transparent look on her friend's face. Seulgi doesn't really have a piece of knowledge about Lisa's feelings toward Jennie, but she kind of connects the dots and she got her answer.

 

"Lis, you good?" Seulgi asks with a squinty look Lisa doesn't like.

 

Lisa nods unconvincingly. "yup, I'm good... nothing wrong at all. I just need to refill my drink." she tells Seulgi too hastily and gets up. Seulgi doesn't believe a single word she said.

 

It took Lisa a couple of minutes to get back to her seat on the sofa. She's glad Seulgi reserved it so nobody could steal her seat, but nobody would seem to steal it in the first place since everyone's busy dancing or doing things that don't involve sitting down.

 

"Oh, so you really did get a drink." Seulgi comments, pointing at the cup.

 

"Huh? of course I did. What makes you think I didn't?" Lisa asks, an eyebrow raised.

 

"I just thought you went home already," she replies.

 

"Nah, as Jennie's best friend it's my duty to take care of her. I can never leave her in parties." Lisa tells her friend.

 

Seulgi shakes her head and chuckles. "You're too transparent, Lis."

 

"What do you mean?" Lisa questions.

 

"You like Jennie that much, huh? You're too whipped for her." Seulgi laughs.

 

Lisa dumbfoundedly blinks at her, "What makes you think that?"

 

Seulgi pats her back in a knowing way, "I was like that to Joohyun as well." Seulgi chuckles.

 

"Fuck, am I that obvious?" Lisa asks feeling insecure all of a sudden. The latter nods matter-of-factly.

 

Lisa exasperatedly threw her head at the sofa's headrest, taking a big swig of alcohol, downing all the content the cup has.

 

"Don't beat yourself up because of it. It's fine, Lis." Seulgi gave her a comforting smile.

 

"Anyway, speaking of the devil," Seulgi whispers to her. Lisa looks at Seulgi's line of sight and saw Jennie making her way toward the both of them with a tipsy smile on her face.

 

"Hi, Lili." Jennie greets her best friend, her voice intoxicated by alcohol. She immediately sits beside Lisa.

 

"Hey, Jen." Lisa greets back, but more awkwardly. She can hear Seulgi quietly chortling behind her. She elbows the latter making Seulgi spit back her drink inside the cup.  _That's what you get,_ Lisa inwardly tells herself while holding a laugh.

 

"So, is that Bobby guy your new boy toy or whatever?" Lisa asks out of the blue while looking at the remaining contents of alcohol in her cup, not wanting Jennie to see the jealousy swimming in her eyes.

 

"He's attractive, yeah," Jennie replies back.

 

"You totally didn't answer my question but I think I'd take that as a yes," Lisa says, she sounds agitated and she knows she's not being fair, knows that she doesn't have a legitimate reason to feel what she's feeling right now.

 

Jennie's a little too drunk to notice how bitter Lisa is being. "He's attractive, huh," Lisa repeats Jennie's statement, quietly and bitterly. "Like  _I'd totally kiss you_  kind of attractive?"

 

It sends a chill down Jennie's spine, the question Lisa asked is hitting her differently. The alcohol in her system completely taking over her, her mind threatens to lose its consciousness. She blinks her eyes too many times in a matter of seconds before blurting out the words she hadn't planned to say.

 

"Yeah, I'd totally kiss you if you asked," Jennie replies making Lisa's eyes bulged out of their sockets.

 

"What?" Lisa's mouth gapes in surprise.

 

"What?" Jennie asks nonchalantly, the alcohol obviously taking over her system. She looks at Lisa's eyes then to her lips. Lisa notices Jennie's intimate gaze making her gulp.

 

"She said she'd kissed you if you asked," Seulgi repeats Jennie's words to Lisa's ears, giving the Thai girl a small nudge to let her know that this is all real and not just a reverie.

 

Lisa feels her whole body freeze up at the confession. Lisa hastily jerks out of her seat, a hand over her beating heart that's louder than the booming music inside the house, she quickly ran toward the bathroom to process everything.

 

She shuts the bathroom door, walking immediately toward the sink and starts splashing water to her face, hoping it would calm her down and help her get her senses back.

 

After a few moments, the bathroom door opened startling Lisa. She immediately turns her head at the person who just entered the room and it's none other than Jennie Kim herself.

 

"I need to tell you something," Jennie says quietly. Lisa starts to brace herself at whatever words that'd come out of Jennie's mouth.

 

"I've been planning to tell you this for a long time now, but I just can't bring myself to say it in front of you. So, I dragged you into this party to confess it to you. I took shots to get the courage I need. But I think I drank too many."

 

"What is it, Jen?" Lisa asks nervously.

 

"Gosh, you're pretty." Jennie blurts out. Lisa's positive that's not what she wants to say but her heart beats at least three times faster than it's supposed to.

 

Jennie tries to mask her nervousness with a smile. Even if Lisa feels like she's about to die right now she still took Jennie's hand to give her a comforting and assuring squeeze.

 

"What is it?" Lisa repeats again, much softer this time.

 

Jennie takes a deep breath, Lisa waits. And Lisa really wished she didn't down any alcohol tonight because that's what probably what her mouth tastes like when Jennie locks lips with her.

 

Lisa's mind quickly went blank. Neither of them was breathing properly. Lisa can feel her heart beating out of its ribcage. Amidst all the bliss and unfamiliar and overwhelming feelings that Lisa's been feeling this exact moment, Lisa wonders if Jennie feels the same way as hers.

 

When everything processed in Lisa's mind she gasps and pulls away hastily, breaking the whole thing short.

 

Lisa takes a step back, looking at her best friend with wide eyes and mouth agape. Lisa wanted this for almost two years, this can't actually be real. Because these kinds of things only happen in stories and movies, where things and reality are kinder to people like her. This kiss Jennie initiated feels like sweet a reverie, something that's always meant to be that way. Things like these aren't supposed to happen.

 

"Jen-" Lisa blurts but was immediately cut by Jennie.

 

"Please don't run," was the first thing that came out of Jennie's mouth before she starts freaking out. Like  _really_ freaking out. "Lis, please don't run. Fuck, don't run." She stammers, fear laced into every syllable.

 

"No, no I won't..." Lisa breathes out. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, Jen. Talk to me. Everything's fine." Lisa tells her soothingly. Lisa holds her hand and started caressing the back of Jennie's hand with her thumb while she looks at her best friend with soft eyes. Lisa's floored at how calm and composed she sounds.

 

"I-" Jennie tries to utter. "I-I've been w-wanting to do that for almost a year now." She lets out a heavy breath.

 

Lisa tries to breathe. Tries to process this new revelation that put her mind into a complete halt. And makes her warm blood turn into liquid nitrogen.

 

"What about Bobby?" Lisa asks.

 

Jennie rolls her eyes and chuckles, "He's nothing serious. And I kind of always saw myself ending up with you."

 

"It has always been you, Lisa."

 

* * *

 

Eighteen.

 

Lisa and Jennie lay together on Lisa's bed. Jennie's laying on Lisa's stomach while Lisa lovingly caresses her lover's hair. Both of them are looking at the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stars that both of them pasted are still there.

 

The room was quiet but the silence was comfortable, both girls not uttering anything, they're busy enjoying this quiet and sole trance they're in. It felt like reality was distorted at this moment.

 

Jennie cuts the silence, "Lis." She calls out softly.

 

"Hm?" Lisa hums. Shifting her position to look at Jennie.

 

"Promise me that I'd be the only thing you'd write about." Jennie smiles, she stares at Lisa with wonder in her eyes.

 

Lisa smiles lazily, she cups Jennie's cheek and starts to caress it soothingly. Jennie leans her head closer to Lisa's hands, immediately melting in Lisa's touch. "I promise, Jen. Cross my heart." Lisa kisses her best friend sweetly.

 

"Besides, you're the only thing I could write about," Lisa admits. "You were the only thing I could write about for the past two years. I think it will stay that way for a long time." Jennie smiles at her toothily.

 

"I'm lucky I get to be with a writer. So, I could get to read all the beautiful things about me." Jennie teases.

 

"Yeah, right," Lisa playfully rolls her eyes. Jennie softly chuckles at her lover's reaction. "If that's your only reason then I should stop writing about you then." Lisa teases back.

 

Jennie shakes her head light-heartedly, "but if I'm being honest. I'm lucky cause I get to be with my best friend. I get to be with you. There's nothing much perfect than that."

 

Lisa blushes, they've been together for almost a year now but she still gets this flushed when Jennie talks that way. "You and your words, Kim." Lisa sighs sweetly. "Sometimes I don't know who's the writer between us." Lisa chuckles and Jennie pulls Lisa closer, locking their lips together.

 

They both smile into the kiss, causing their teeth to unintentionally clash toward the other. They laugh and laugh, the sound of their laughter echoes inside Lisa's room and Lisa decides this sounds much better than any other music she has ever heard. Jennie pulls her in for a kiss again.

 

And all Lisa could taste was the flavor of strawberry and saccharine.

 

* * *

 

 

There was a knock on the front door, causing Lisa to snap back to reality. She stops typing and quietly gets up from her computer seat, mumbling out her irritations for the person behind the door, whoever that is, is disturbing her peace.

 

Her hand wraps itself on the doorknob, she lets out an annoyed sigh before opening the door. The door reveals a smiling Seulgi and Lisa couldn't help but soften at the sight.

 

"What brings you here, Seul?" She asks her long-time friend. Seulgi stands outside her apartment, holding Chinese takeouts.

 

"I came to bring these," Seulgi smiles animatedly holding up the food she has brought. Maybe she could give Lisa's lonely and sad apartment with a little bit of enthusiasm so the Thai doesn't have to be melancholic all the time while she's alone.

 

Seulgi lets herself in, Lisa stepping aside. "And I missed hanging out with you, you monkey." Seulgi hugs her friend tightly, Lisa hesitates to wrap her arms around Seulgi but once she does she immediately melts in Seulgi's embrace.

 

Seulgi pulls away from the hug and ruffles Lisa's hair. "Unnie!" Lisa swats Seulgi's hand, a small laugh escapes from her lips. It's been a while since a smile crept up to her face, she kinda misses this, and she's thankful Seulgi is still Seulgi who can light up her mood anytime.

 

"It's been a while since I saw that smile, Lis. I missed it." Seulgi comments light-heartedly.

 

"Yeah," Lisa lets out a breath.

 

"C'mon let's eat and watch something shitty!" Seulgi announces enthusiastically and drags Lisa to the sofa.

 

"You're still loud as ever," Lisa tells her chuckling.

 

"At least I could give some life into this place." Seulgi chuckles, handing Lisa the food she brought for her.

 

"Damn Lis, your apartment feels like a ghost town. This place used to be so loud and alive. Things really changed a lot." Seulgi's utters, her animated tone shifts into a sadder one.

 

Lisa lets out a melancholic sigh, "yeah... It does."

 

The room becomes quiet. Both friends munch on their noodles silently.

 

"Do you still think about her?" Seulgi asks, not looking at Lisa's eyes, she doesn't want Lisa to see the pity she has for her. Seulgi knows Lisa absolutely hates it when people pity her.

 

"Always. There was never a day where she doesn't cross my mind." Lisa confesses, her eyes too afraid to meet Seulgi's. The admission felt so hard to swallow.

 

Seulgi suddenly became silent. "Chaeyoung called me and she told me you've been sulking again. And that's why I really tried to find time to hang out with you. It's so busy in the dance studio these days but you're more important. You're like a sister to me, Lis." Seulgi tells her.

 

"That's why I don't want to call you guys. I know you're busy and I don't want to bother." Lisa says.

 

"Lis, you know it's not healthy when you keep it all to yourself. You'll drown." Seulgi voices out. The older girl worries for her friend.

 

Lisa doesn't reply.

 

"Lis," Seulgi quietly calls out.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Maybe you should stop re-reading that part of your life. How can you finish the whole book when you always get stuck in that chapter. As a writer, I think you should know that." Seulgi sighs.

 

Lisa stays silent.

 

She finished writing a number of novels only writing about  _her._ But writing and reading are totally different things. Reading takes you to different places, to different people, to different parts of the book but writing? Writing stays in one place when you only write about one thing.

 

Maybe Seulgi's right. But old habits are hard to change.

 

* * *

 

 

Eighteen.

 

Lisa starts writing her first novel.

 

It's about Jennie.

 

It's always about her. Everything that she wrote was always about her. It became almost a habit. Everytime she presses the tip of the ballpen on a paper the ink magically translates into everything that is Jennie Kim herself.

 

Lisa thinks it's something she should change. But she'll let it stay for a while.

 

Her novel is about love and mostly about Jennie. About fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen too. About how she just knew that Jennie would be someone that'll mean something beyond greater than the whole world could offer her just at one glance at the hallways of their school.

 

It really has a happy ending.

 

* * *

 

 

Seulgi leaves, she tells Lisa Irene's already looking for her. They actually have a date later that night, Lisa's flattered that Seulgi puts an effort to visit her despite her busy schedules.

 

The older girl tells her to take care of herself, tells her to stop sulking about what happened in the past and focus on the now; focus on what's in front of her eyes. tells her she'll smack the shit out of her if she dismisses her health again. Lisa only laughs at Seulgi and nods.

 

Once Seulgi was not there to light up her apartment anymore. She comes back to do the same thing again; Sit in front of her computer and type away all the things she wants to express or types a false reality she created in her head. Types everything she remembers about Jennie.

 

She sees the wooden box placed on top of a drawer in her peripheral vision. She slows down her typing, feeling an urge to open the Pandora's box she never dared to open for years.

 

But before she can stop herself she's already walking towards the box. Carrying it to her bed as if its a box filled with fragile things (for her, it is.), she gently places the box on the soft mattress and opens it slowly, like a child opening their birthday or Christmas presents with the glint of curiosity in their eyes, the only difference is that opening the box didn't gave her joy but longing and remorse.

 

She picks up a book from the box. She lets out a deep breath, her fingers slowly tracing the cover and its worn out edges as if she's a blind person trying to read brail and decipher the things that are inscribed. in her state, memories are inscribed instead of words and letters.

 

She flips to the first page.  _The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-exupéry_ is written on the first page. She smiles remembering how good this book was when she first read it.

 

Lisa starts to flip the pages, she smiles reading Jennie's little comments and opinions on the side. 

 

Lisa flips to a page she vividly remembers.

 

_"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course, you'll hurt me. Of course, we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence..."_

 

She remembers Jennie telling her that it's one of her favorite parts about the book.

 

* * *

 

 

  
Nineteen.

 

They graduated from high school. Now it's time to face college. They moved to their dorm a week after their graduation. They compromised to enroll for the same university.

 

"I've been excited for these past days cause I get to live with you, you know. We'll have more time with each other." Jennie chirps, taking out a box from Lisa's car.

 

"Jen, we're basically attached at the hip ever since fifteen. It's basically like living with each other." Lisa laughs helping her girlfriend fix her things.

 

"But this one's different," Jennie pouts cutely. "We finally get to live in one place. And I could wake up next to you every morning." Jennie dreamily tells her. they start walking toward their assigned dorm.

 

"You are such a hopeless romantic, Jennie Kim." Lisa chuckles, giving Jennie a peck on the cheek.

 

Jennie scoffs, "as if you're not one." Jennie playfully rolls her eyes.

 

"I am, but you're more vocal than me," Lisa states matter-of-factly.

 

"You're lucky. You're the only person that gets to see this side of me." Jennie nudges her.

 

"I know that and I'm honored," Lisa softly laughs.

 

They finally got to their room and Lisa can see the wide smile dancing on Jennie's lips. Lisa gently places the box she's carrying on the floor and fishes out the key of their dorm.

 

She puts the key inside the keyhole and turns it to the right, once she heard the clacking sound she opens the door and Jennie quickly padded inside. Lisa chuckles and shakes her head at Jennie's childish antics. She carries the box situated on the floor and went inside the room.

 

Jennie sets aside her bag and the box she's carrying and immediately starts to explore their dorm.

 

 _'Cutie',_ Lisa sighs light-heartedly.

 

The Thai sets down the box she's carrying and her bag on the floor. She sits down and crosses her legs, she opens her box and starts to rummage her things.

 

"Lis!" Jennie shouts animatedly.

 

Lisa looks up at her girlfriend, "hm?".

 

"I bought something the other day," Jennie smiles and pulls out a book in her bag. Lisa could say she was a little surprised finding out that Jennie has been reading recently.

 

"A book? But you're not fond of reading." Lisa chuckles.

 

Jennie walks toward hers, "yeah, but I'm starting to change that," she sits down beside Lisa. "My girlfriend is a writer and one day I'll be reading your novels. So, I started reading and bought my first book." Jennie smiles and shows Lisa the book she has bought.

 

"The Little Prince?" Lisa asks and Jennie nods. "This one's a good book." Lisa smiles.

 

"So far it is! I mean, it's a children's book but the message of the book is more directed to older people." Jennie comments. "I'll read out one of my favorite parts for you," Jennie says and Lisa listens attentively.

 

_"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course, you'll hurt me. Of course, we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence..."_

 

* * *

 

 

The first years of college were fine so far. Her and Jennie are going strong for a couple of years since that party at Irene's where feelings are spilled and kisses are shared. They both wish they could always stay like that.

 

They eat lunch together; rant to each other how college is such a pain in the ass; finds time to ask the other for a date; sleeping beside each other and waking up to each other.

 

Jennie and Lisa try their best to make them work. Briefly, they did.

 

Until things started to shift.

 

Until things started to get ugly.

 

Jennie parties a little harder than what Lisa expected. Lisa doesn't like it but she could never say that to Jennie.

 

And Lisa, she writes. All the time. She writes a lot that sometimes it brews a big fight between her and Jennie.

 

Lisa gets home to their dorm a little late than usual. She's been studying hard for her tests a lot these days. Once she stepped inside she smells a scent she never expected to encircle their dorm.

 

"Jen, are you smoking?" Lisa sets down her bag.

 

"Yep," Jennie says, popping the 'p'.

 

"that could kill you, you know?" Lisa quietly tells her.

 

"I don't mind." Jennie deadpans, not looking at her.

 

Lisa sits beside Jennie who was looking out at the window while she inhales a cigarette. Lisa doesn't know how to feel about this.

 

"Jen, you should stop that...." Lisa's voice trails off, looking at her lover with worried eyes.

 

"Lis, life in college—life, in general, is starting to get hard. I need something to ease all of it." Jennie tells her, not giving her a spare glance.

 

"Jennie, I'll be here to help you bear it. But for the love of god, stop that." Lisa tells her, her voice already pleading.

 

Jennie's silent, the whole room is silent. The only sound that echoes is Jennie breathing in nicotine and exhaling smoke. Lisa takes the cigarette out of Jennie's hand and threw it away outside the window. Jennie is still silent, not uttering a word. Lisa sees her fist clenching at the side.

 

"Jen, I'm here. I'm here for you." Lisa whispers. Jennie is still not looking at her, her gaze glued to the outside world at the window.

 

Lisa heaves out a tired sigh. "Jen..." Lisa calls her softly, her thumb and pointer finger wrapping around Jennie's chin, Lisa tilts Jennie's head to look at her. Jennie briefly stares at her and quickly averted her gaze, she's looking at anything but Lisa.

 

"Jen, talk to me." Lisa urges her. "I'm here. If everything's starting to get hard, I'm here for you." Lisa cups Jennie's cheeks but the latter swats her hands away.

 

Jennie finally looks at her, Lisa can see anger and frustration swimming in her cat-like eyes. "You're never here, Lisa!" Jennie shouts, tears brimming in her eyes.

 

"You're everywhere but here. And even if you're in our dorm it feels like you aren't! You're always writing!" Jennie fumed at her. "You're like a fucking ghost!"

 

Lisa stays silent momentarily, completely hurt by Jennie's word. "Jen, this is important to me. Please understand that!" Lisa retorted, not meaning to shout at her. She's refraining sobs to come out of her mouth.

 

"I know that, Lis! But please have time for me too. I'm your girlfriend, Lisa! I think you forgot about that part." Jennie spluttered. She's already crying, Lisa wants to hold her but something's stopping her from doing so.

 

Lisa stayed silent.

 

"Excuse me, I'll get some fresh air..." Jennie tells her and storms out of their dorm.

 

Lisa watches her leave. Once the door shuts Lisa cries.

 

Lisa wonders why does it have to be this way.

 

* * *

 

Jennie starts to smoke more after that fight. Lisa wishes she would just stop. But Lisa thinks that maybe stopping Jennie is the same way as Jennie stopping Lisa from writing; impossible.

 

Lisa doesn't like the idea of it but she understands so she lets Jennie be.

 

Lisa wishes Jennie would understand her too.

 

They got into an argument again in a lazy afternoon.

 

"All you do is write!" Jennie slams her palms unto the table.

 

"All you do is smoke!" Lisa replies back, her tone the same as Jennie's. Right now they're just raising their voices until it punches a hole on their ceiling.

 

"I do it because it feels like you're drifting from me. All you do is type all your time away!" Jennie countered.

 

"I write because I want you to live forever in these pages if ever that cigarette takes you from me," Lisa shouts back, pointing at the box of cigarette lying in Jennie's bed.

 

Then silence encircled the room.

 

Lisa heaves out a dejected sigh, "We're just the same, Jen. We do this because we're afraid of one thing; losing one another."

 

Jennie cries, "You're worse than a cigarette, Lisa. You'd be the reason for my death than nicotine." Jennie utters heavy-heartedly.

 

* * *

 

 

Nayeon, Jennie's best friend in college, pays her a visit.

 

"What brings you here, Nayeon?" Lisa asks, letting the girl in. Nayeon's carrying a bouquet of flowers. Lisa think she knows where she's going. She feels her breath hitch.

 

"I just want to know how you're doing. That is all." Nayeon sets the bouquet down on the coffee table and takes a sit on the sofa.

 

"Do you want anything? I think I got juice in the fridge." Lisa asks.

 

"No, no. It's fine." Nayeon smiles. "Come sit," Nayeon tells her, patting a space on the sofa. Lisa obliges.

 

"So? What is it?" Lisa asks again. "People keep visiting me these past few days, you know? Chaeng, Seul, then you." Lisa laughs softly, Nayeon joins her.

 

"I'm actually going to-uhm, you know,  _that place."_ Nayeon heaves out a sigh. "I think you can tell by the flowers."

 

"But I decided to pass by your apartment to know how you're doing. It's been a few months since I last visited you, I wondered how were you." Nayeon smiles.

 

"Thanks for worrying about me. But I'm currently writing a draft for my next book." Lisa tells her, fiddling the loose thread of her sweater.

 

"Oh, you started writing again. Good luck on that and can't wait to read it." Nayeon gives her an encouraging thumbs up.

 

Lisa smiles meekly, "thanks, Nayeon."

 

"What's it about?" The older girl asks.

 

"It's about wrong choices, wrong timings, and remorse." Lisa replies.

 

"Oh..." Nayeon nods. She didn't ask any further questions cause she already knew.

 

"I can't believe I used to hate you in college." Nayeon sighs and shakes her head. "I used to think you're an asshole back then. Since Jennie always rants about you." Nayeon admits. Lisa gulps, because she was indeed an asshole back then, she can't deny the truth.

 

"I mean, I was. There were chapters in my life where I was a complete asshole." Lisa chortles and Nayeon nods.

 

"Yeah, but when I saw how you cared for Jennie in that time of her life, I got to know you better," Nayeon tells her. "You really did love her, did you?"

 

"I'll tell you of all the time she was high, she forgot I was living. And I will tell you that I love her still and again." Lisa replies.

 

Nayeon looks down, "she was really lucky to have you." She looks back up to meet Lisa's gaze.

 

Lisa smiles, "I was lucky to have her as well."

 

* * *

 

 

Things are getting uglier than it already is.

 

Jennie doesn't want it to be this way in the first place. She just wants Lisa to be there _,_ like  _really_   _be_   _there_ , but it seems like a mirage now. Their relationship wasn't like before anymore.

 

Lisa's so hyper-focused on her grades and her future in writing that she hardly notices Jennie drifting from her hold, hardly notices the dark circles under her girlfriend's eyes and hardly notices Jennie's bloodshot eyes from crying.

 

Jennie starts to spend most of her time on her business management finals. She's studying with a guy named Jongin or something. honestly, she could care less about his name or him in general, all she wants right now is for Lisa to just notice her or spare her a glance.

 

"I'm going to Jongin's dorm." Jennie starts.

 

She's sitting on Lisa's bed, staring at the Thai's back while she types her time away.

 

"Lisa," she tries again when she got no reply.

 

"yeah?" Lisa muses out. She's still not turning around, still not looking at Jennie.

 

"I said I'm going to leave." Jennie doesn't know if she wants to literally mean it.

 

"Bye, babe," Lisa replies, still not looking at her.

 

Jennie rolls her eyes, tears started to form. "He likes me you know. Jongin I mean," Jennie pushes. "he wants to sleep with me, Lisa." Jennie tries to trigger a reaction. "I might let him." Jennie will never cheat on her, she doesn't have the heart to do that, she loves Lisa too much to do something like that. She just wants Lisa to fucking listen.

 

Lisa doesn't react.

 

She stands up from Lisa's bed, waiting, waiting for anything. She's hoping.

 

Lisa continues to press the space bar, "okay," she hums.

 

Jennie slams the door and blinks her tears away as she runs toward Nayeon's dorm seeking for comfort.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa closes her apartment door. She decided to go out and get some fresh air.

 

Out of the apartment building, she sees a woman smoking. Lisa grimaces, not at the woman but at the cigarette, she remembers Jennie.

She continued walking.

 

Her eyes wander around the streets. Her feet taking her to anywhere.

 

Her eyes landed on a cafe where she and Jennie used to go to, she remembers Jennie. she tries her best to ignore it and she continues to walk.

 

She passes by a busker who's singing Video Games by Lana Del Rey. She remembers Jennie telling her that it's one of her favorites. She remembers Jennie. She walks away again.

 

She passes by a girl, the girl's scent stops her in her tracks, it's the same scent Jennie always wore. She remembers Jennie. She stops, thinking she couldn't do this anymore.

 

She shakes her head, she thinks the universe is playing with her, throwing all the things that could resemble Jennie. She finds fragments of her everywhere but not actually her.

 

She returns to her apartment.

 

She can't take this.

 

* * *

 

 

It was their fourth year in college when Jennie's mother died.

 

Her dad calls her in the middle of the night while she was studying in her bed. Lisa's out, she doesn't know where she is, she never really knew where the girl is anyway. She doesn't bother anymore, she's too tired and exhausted to think about those kinds of things anymore.

 

When she answers the call all she could hear were apologies and sobs. She can't quite understand her dad's words, she's becoming worried but mostly puzzled.

 

She waits for her dad to calm down and compose himself.

 

"Dad?" Jennie asks. Her voice is small.

 

_"Jennie... your mom's gone."_

 

She feels her world stop. Her body freezing and unable to move at the unbearable information.

 

"I-I'll call y-you later..." she stammers.

 

 _"Okay, okay."_  Her dad tells her, understanding her daughter's grief.

 

The phone call ends, Jennie doesn't know what to do. Tears aren't coming out of her eyes yet, she's too baffled to think of anything right now.

 

Jennie picks up her phone again and dialed Lisa's number. Luckily, Lisa quickly picked up.

 

"Lis, where are you?"

 

"I'm at the library" Lisa replies. Lisa's voice is groggy and Jennie can tell she's been asleep.

 

"Can you please go home? I need you." Jennie's voice is muffled. "Please?" She begs.

 

"Alright," she hears shuffling in the background noise.

 

Jennie waits.

 

Lisa arrives at their dorm ten minutes later. She finds Jennie looking at the window, smoking. It was Jennie's fourth cigarette that night.

 

"Jen?" Lisa calls out softly. "What happened?" There's still sleep in her voice.

 

Jennie exhales smoke, she wipes at her eyes. "mom's gone..."

 

Lisa absentmindedly drops her bag at the sudden news. "Jen.." she whispers.

 

"I should have been there with her." Jennie sobs. Lisa engulfed her girlfriend in an embrace. "I didn't even get to say goodbye." she cries into Lisa's shoulder.

 

Lisa kisses the side of Jennie's head, she tries not to cry. Jennie's mom became someone that also mattered so much to her, that woman became her second mother. She remembers how much Jennie's life was molded by the woman they had just lost. She's devastated, she really is. Her heart breaks with Jennie's.

 

"can you please sleep beside me? I really need someone right now." Jennie lifts her head from Lisa's shoulder.

 

Lisa hates herself when she shakes her head no. As much as she wants to stay she just can't. "Jen...I can't stay here tonight."

 

"I have an English final early in the morning. I have to go to Jihyo's apartment to study with her. You know how much I've been working my ass off for this and I'm really exhausted. I need to ace that test, Jen."

 

"what?!" Jennie fumes, she pushes Lisa away from her.

 

Lisa tries to apologize. "Jen, I'm really sorry... you know I would stay, but I just need to-"

 

"are you fucking kidding me?!" Jennie's voice cracks.

 

"How about I stay for an hour or two? I want to be here with you-" Lisa reaches for her hand only to be pushed back again.

 

"I'm glad I know where I stand, Lisa! now get the fuck away from me!" Jennie cries out.

 

"Jen..." Lisa tries again but Jennie already storms out of their dorm. Then Lisa makes the worst mistake she's ever done in her lifetime. The mistake she'll willingly give up for best sellers and a hundred more awards for.

 

She lets her go.

 

* * *

 

 

_"The truth is I would've followed her everywhere. Over continents and oceans; for months and years. I would've followed all the footprints her feet had left in the earth's soil, it doesn't matter where she takes me, I wouldn't mind if she takes me to the darkest parts of the world. All I ever wanted is for her to know that I'm always there behind her back; that I'm there every step of the way."_

Lisa types out. She takes a big swig of wine, downing every drop of the alcohol in the glass.

_"but the thing is, I didn't. I was too caught up in my own reverie that I didn't notice her footsteps were already gone. I was too caught up that I didn't know I was already walking alone without thinking that I might've left her. Now I'm standing at the place where I've always wanted to be, but without her. But I'm willing to go back and leave this place just to find her again."_

 

Lisa exhales. Trying to keep the ocean in her lungs at bay as she types out all the words she wanted to say to Jennie.


	2. Chapter 2

Jennie cries into Jongin's shoulder. He lets her stay in his apartment as long as she wants. He makes her breakfast and tucks her to bed every night.

 

Jongin stayed with her.

 

A week later she gets her things from their (now Lisa's) dorm.

 

Lisa watches her with glistening eyes while she gets every piece of her that she left behind until there was no proof that she had ever been there at all. "there's no way this is the end for us-- we were supposed to be better than this."

 

"but this is our end, Lisa. Maybe this is for the better." Jennie carries the box she packed and walked out of the door.

 

She leaves without saying goodbye.

 

* * *

 

 

They graduate two months later and without so much as a goodbye.

 

Lisa moves to Seoul, while Jennie stayed in Busan.

 

After a few months, Lisa finally gets her publishing deal and publishes her debut book that quickly got a lot of attention.

 

Lisa's successful.

 

Jennie knows Lisa would be really successful. She's read her writings before and she remembers how amazed she'd get everytime. Jennie tries really, really hard not to read anything she writes now.

 

Jennie genuinely hopes it was all worth it.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa sends Jennie the book. She wrote a note on the front page.

 

_"Remember that time when you asked me to promise that you're the only thing I'd write about? Well, inside these pages are the promises I kept."_

 

Lisa receives a text from Jennie a few days later.

 

_"Lis, don't do this."_

 

* * *

 

 

Seulgi, Irene, and Chaeyoung visit Lisa's apartment to celebrate with their friend's instant success.

 

They knocked on her door and waits for the Thai to open. A few minutes passed and Lisa opens the door, she looks like a complete mess which the three girls weren't expecting from a young writer who instantly became successful.

 

"Lis, what happened?" Seulgi asks, she saw Lisa's bloodshot eyes. The three of them walked inside the apartment, Seulgi cradling the youngest girl in her arms.

 

Seulgi guided Lisa to sit down on the sofa.

 

"Hey, we're supposed to be celebrating because you just recently published your first book and it already became a hit. But you're crying..." Irene soothingly rubs the youngest's forearm. Her heart breaks at Lisa's state.

 

"I thought it was worth it..." Lisa blankly stares at the white of her wall.

 

"Hey, it is worth it. You deserve the success you've worked hard for." Seulgi consoles her.

 

"I've lost Jennie for this, though."

 

* * *

 

"I would've stayed with her, Chaeng." Lisa mutters. Chaeyoung looks at her with mournful eyes.

 

"I know." Chaeyoung rubs her back.

 

Seulgi and Irene already left an hour ago, Chaeyoung decided to stay, to at least give Lisa some company.

 

"I'd gladly stay with her for the whole day or for the whole week... it's just that I had to do something important that time." Lisa's eyes start to water. "It didn't have to be that way."

"Lis..." Chaeyoung sighs engulfing her in a tight embrace.

 

"I should've stayed."

 

* * *

 

 

"What are you gonna do, Lis?" Irene asks.

 

Lisa went to Seulgi and Irene's apartment on the most random day.

 

Seulgi walks in the room and gives Irene a kiss on the cheek. Lisa secretly envies the couple because after all those years they're still together.

 

She wished for something like that for her and Jennie. But the universe didn't let them have it.

 

"What can I do? Nothing. She left me for him and she probably hates me. It's over." Lisa sinks on the sofa, all defeated and helpless. "I wouldn't be surprised if I ever receive a wedding invitation. But the question is, will she even give me one?" The couple can't help but feel bad for their friend.

 

Seulgi suddenly jumped out of her sit, like she got burned or something. "I have an idea!" she animatedly announced. Lisa and Irene were startled.

 

"What is it?" They asked in unison.

 

"I'm setting you up on a blind date," Seulgi tells her, clapping her hands enthusiastically at her brilliant plan.

 

"I have a friend named Sooyoung, she prefers to be called Joy. And she's going to be your future girlfriend!"

 

Lisa's dumbfounded.

 

"I'm setting the date tomorrow at seven o' clock. I'm helping you move on." Seulgi proudly says, placing her hands on her hips. Irene shakes her head at her fiancée's silly antics.

 

Lisa doesn't have a choice but to say yes.

 

* * *

 

The date went well.

 

Lisa asked Joy if she would want to go out with her again. Joy quickly said yes.

 

after a couple of dates, Lisa has finally decided.

 

She doesn't see herself with Joy, unfortunately.

 

Lisa went to meet with her again to announce her decision.

 

"I'm sorry, Joy. I didn't mean to get your hopes up." Lisa apologizes sincerely, caressing the latter's hand comfortingly.

 

Joy tries not to cry. "It's fine, Lis." She wipes at her eyes. "It's fine. I've always had a gut feeling we wouldn't really last. But it's been a while since I felt this way." Her voice cracks. "maybe that's the reason I felt positive that you'd feel the same way."

 

"I would love to try, but I'm still caught up with someone," Lisa admits.

 

"I know, I can see it in your eyes."

 

"How can you tell?" Lisa asks.

 

"You try to find fragments of her in me."

 

* * *

 

_"You're stupid and an asshole,"_ Chaeyoung tells her through the phone.

 

"I know..." Lisa agrees, heaving out a sad sigh.

 

_"The girl was head over heels for you but you blew it off."_

 

"It's better to be honest with her than break her heart severely in the long run." Lisa reasons out.

 

"You have a point."

 

"And I'm still not over Jennie." Lisa tells her.

 

She hears Chaeyoung sigh.

 

* * *

 

After a few months, Lisa tries to go on dates again.

 

They all never worked. It's either she'd run away or never show up on the second date.

 

She tries to find Jennie in every single girl but she can't because they're not  _her._

 

She's still too caught up.

 

Lisa wished she could just move on but it seems impossible.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa publishes her second book after a year of releasing her first novel.

 

It was the first novel she wrote when she was eighteen.

 

The one that's about her teenage years and how she met the only person that ever made her feel beyond something the world could offer.

 

It's the one with a happy ending.

 

If the world won't let them have their own happy ending, she can at least give her characters their much deserved happy endings.

 

After all, the characters are based off of them.

 

* * *

 

 

She meets a girl named Sunmi.

 

She watched her sing once while playing the guitar at the cafe she occasionally goes to.

 

When she heard her sing for the first time it quickly became a routine for her to go to that cafe every weekend at six o' clock p.m. to watch her sing every lyric with her melodic voice.

 

She's too enthralled by her, the girl put her in some kind of spell and she doesn't mind getting hypnotized by her.

 

It took her a couple of weeks to be able to finally talk to her. She finally mustered up all the courage she has in her system to get close to this girl.

 

"Hey, you're an amazing singer." She awkwardly tells her, she's already a blushing mess at this point.

 

She's too nervous and panicky to hold a simple and calm conversation with her. Lisa was never confident at approaching girls in the first place.

 

Sunmi looks up from her phone, she eyes Lisa for a brief second. Lisa felt small under her gaze. Then the corner of Sunmi's lips turned into a grin. "you look like the cutest person I've met."

 

"uh... pardon?" Lisa's mouth agape, too dumbfounded and a blushing mess to properly reply something.

 

"I said you look cute." Sunmi smiles sweetly. "here, come sit." she pulls out the empty chair beside her, prompting Lisa to sit next to her.

 

Lisa quietly obliges. "I, uh... I've seen you a few singing a couple of times and I just really want to say you're really good at it. I mean, you deserve to hear it, though." Lisa awkwardly laughs but Sunmi doesn't mind. The latter laughs with her, sincerity coming out from her mouth.

 

"Thank you so much. I love singing and performing but people barely compliment me at what I do. I finish the song, they clap and I walk out the stage, and that's it." The girl tells her. "so, I really appreciate you for saying that." It's now her time to blush.

 

"And thank you for coming to my gigs every weekend." The singer smiles.

 

Lisa's eyes went wide. She feels like she got caught.

 

"You thought I don't notice you?" she asks, chuckling softly. "like what I've said, you're a cutie. I can't help but notice you. And if I'm being honest, I try to find you everytime I'd perform and luckily you're always there."

 

"Shit, I thought I was being sneaky." Lisa voiced out loud.

 

"You're too transparent." Sunmi teases her. "if you're not gonna ask me out on a date, then I'd make the first move. Would you want to go on a date with me?" Sunmi asks her, her eyes are hoping.

 

Lisa can't help but say yes at this beauty in front of her. "s-sure. I'd l-love to." she stammers out.

 

Sunmi clasped her hands animatedly, "great! anyway here's my number." Sunmi rips out a smaller portion of a napkin and took out her pen, she starts writing down her number and gives it to Lisa. "just text me, but I prefer you to call me instead." she winks at her, Lisa heavily gulps at all the flirting that's happening.

 

"Anyway, I need to go now. Bye cutie!" Sunmi kisses her cheek and leaves a blushing Lisa behind.

 

Lisa thinks that maybe she'd be able to help her move on.

 

* * *

 

 

Being with Sunmi was a breath of fresh air.

 

She's far different from any of the girls Lisa has dated before. She's far different from  _her._

 

Being with Sunmi felt like going to a new country to rewrite your life again, but this time you get to be whoever you want to be without the past haunting you.

 

Being with Sunmi was easy. You never had to force anything with her. Things are just as it is. And Lisa liked that. Lisa liked the way it was easy with Sunmi, it feels like she never had to try at all.

 

And maybe that's the reason Lisa wanted to stay with her.

 

So after their third date, Lisa decided to kiss her square in the mouth. And luckily, she also kissed back. But the only difference is that Sunmi kissed her with so much want, with so much desire, with so much passion, and with so much meaning. She kisses Lisa like her mouth had never kissed other people before.

 

And Lisa? she only kissed her because she felt like she needed to. The atmosphere was romantic, the tension and chemistry were there, it was palpable, anyone with eyes could see it. Lisa kisses her because she's trying to get rid of Jennie's taste that's been sitting in her tongue for as long as she can remember.

 

She feels like she's not even kissing Sunmi at all. It felt like her tongue is just punching the latter's tongue.

 

But she really wants to forget about Jennie. So she kept on kissing and kissing Sunmi until she forgets about Jennie's name or Jennie at all.

 

The problem is, it didn't work.

 

It'll never work.

 

* * *

 

 

They made it official on their fifth date.

 

Sunmi squealed and kissed the fuck out of her until Lisa couldn't breathe anymore.

 

Lisa had never seen someone be this happy to be with her.

 

Lisa wishes she feels the same way toward Sunmi.

 

They kiss and kiss until their hands started to roam everywhere, exploring every outlines the other has. Until their mouths started to wonder and sounds of ecstasy escaping their lips.

 

Lisa traces Sunmi's every outline while guilt swims in the pit of her stomach.

 

She hates herself for thinking of someone else while Sunmi gives herself willingly to her.

 

* * *

 

 

"Why do I feel like you never think about me." Sunmi tells her out of nowhere. It sounded more like a statement rather than a question.

 

"That's not true."

 

But it is.

 

* * *

 

 

Her dad phones her on a random day.

 

He tells her something she never really expected at all.

 

Her mom has a tumor in her bosom. She was shocked but overall she's scared yet hopeful that this tumor wouldn't take her mom right away. Her mom's always been healthy. Fuck cancer is all she could think off.

 

She packs her bag to go to Busan and kisses Sunmi for a long time and says goodbye to her.

 

"Don't be gone too long, Lis. I'd miss you a lot." Sunmi cutely pouts at her, she's leaning on the doorframe as she watches Lisa leave.

 

Lisa smiles cheekily at her. "I promise," Lisa chuckles. "I don't want my girl to wait," she tells her and Sunmi sighs dreamily and looks at her with wonder in her eyes.

 

Lisa was about to leave but she halts her step and runs to Sunmi for a last kiss on the lips.

 

"I already miss you," Sunmi pouts again, giving Lisa her puppy dog eyes.

 

"Don't give me that look," Lisa chuckles and kisses her nose. "you're making me want to stay and cuddle with you."

 

"I'd love that." the older girl smiles cheekily.

 

Lisa kisses her on the forehead. "I'll be back, babe. Don't worry." she waves at her then trails off.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa hasn't been home since she graduated.

 

Her parents were the ones who usually visits her in Seoul. They asked Lisa one time what was it that's been holding her from going back to the place she grew up in. Her parents never received a reply but glistening eyes and an aching heart. From then, they never talked about that ever again.

 

She just couldn't.

 

She couldn't see the places where she fell in love. Couldn't see the girl she fell in love with being somebody else's. She just couldn't, it made her feel like she couldn't breathe.

 

Yet here she is, stepping inside a hospital in Busan to meet her mom.

 

She sees her dad sitting on a bench, he was reading a book, obviously waiting for his daughter. Her steps are careful and quiet as he walks toward him. She stands in front of him, her dad looks up and a relieved smile formed on his lips.

 

"Lisa!" He stands up from his seat and engulfed his daughter in a welcoming embrace.

 

Lisa hugs him back with the same longing feeling, "hey dad," she smiles.

 

Her dad pulls away from the hug, he looks at her daughter with genuine happiness. "It's been a long time since you came back."

 

"Yeah... I missed you guys."

 

"It takes your mother to have a tumor just for you to come back." He tries to lighten up the mood. Lisa lets out a half-hearted chuckle as she shakes her head.

 

"Anyway, where's mom?" She bluntly asks. Not in the mood for small talks. She didn't mean to be rude, she's just really worried.

 

"She's in the chemotherapy room right now." He tells her worried daughter. "We should go now, she's already waiting for you."

 

They walked inside the room, her dad leading her where her mom is. She instantly saw her mom and quickly scrambled to get to the old woman. She hugs her tightly as ever.

 

Lisa pulls away, "I missed you and you got me so worried." Lisa's eyes start to glistens.

 

"Darling, don't be too worried. I'll be fine." Her mother assures her.

 

"I don't want you to leave me this early." She murmurs.

 

"I won't, I promise. I'll be done in a few minutes and after this, we'll go home and I'll cook your favorite." The woman smiles, caressing her daughter's cheek.

 

"Yeah, I'd love that." Lisa smiles and leans into her mother's touch.

 

Her mom is finished with her chemo session. They were about to exit the hospital building until her mom asks Lisa to go back because she left her purse inside the room.

 

Lisa runs to the room as fast as she can. Once she steps inside her eyes quickly found her mother's purse.

 

She ambles to get it then the next scene made the ghosts that haunt her stomach feel like a supernova sun.

 

_Jennie._

 

She never expected to see Jennie in a hospital. Especially in a chemotherapy room.

 

She sees the girl holding unto Nayeon. Her hair was tied up in a hurried ponytail. She's wearing a sweater Lisa knows she's had since they were in college and Adidas sweatpants. She's dressed comfortably outside of her home which is unlike the Jennie Lisa knew, but she's still Jennie. The Jennie Lisa had always loved for as long as she can remember.

 

she seemed fragile and weak. She sees Nayeon helping her in every step she takes.

 

Lisa's mind short-circuited and she feels her body freeze. Lisa's world was in a complete halt once again.

 

When Jennie feels like she's being watched she glances up and sees the girl who broke her heart in more ways than one. She stops in her tracks and Nayeon follows her line of sight. 

 

Her heart starts to race in a way Lisa could only make her feel but her chest starts to burn at the lament Lisa caused her.

 

Jennie doesn't know what to feel first.

 

"Jen," Lisa chokes out. The sight of Jennie seemed unreal.

 

Nayeon shields Jennie once Lisa starts to move closer. "Don't" Nayeon grits her teeth at the Thai. Lisa immediately stops on her tracks.

 

"Don't ever think about getting near her after everything you've done." Nayeon seethes, blocking Jennie from Lisa.

 

Lisa was once reminded for the worst mistake she's ever done in her life.

 

"I'm sorry," it felt like the only thing she could only say at this moment.

 

"Your sorry can't do anything, Lisa. It's better if you get lost." Nayeon tells her, abhor laced in every word.

 

Lisa nods her head and starts to make her way to the exit. When Lisa passes by Jennie she stops in her tracks and turns her head to look at the girl she's still in love with.

 

Jennie looks up at her.

 

"I'm sorry..." she says then trails off.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Jen. It's been a while," Lisa heaves out a sigh, the air she exhales became palpable because of the cold atmosphere, winter's coming in a month. She bends down placing the fresh flowers she bought on the ground.

 

"Sorry, I don't get to visit you much often. My therapist told me not to." Lisa says, she rubs her forearms to create some warmth. "I hated her for saying that. So, instead of stopping visiting you I stopped visiting her for a couple of sessions. Funny and ironic isn't it?" Lisa softly chuckles to herself.

 

Then silence.

 

"You know, I hate to say this but I still hate you for leaving me not once but twice. You're so unfair, Kim." Lisa says dejectedly as she bends down.

 

"By the way, I started writing a draft for another book. It's kind of about you," Lisa says.

 

"I mean it is about you. It's always going to be about you."

 

She shouldn't be talking to a stone.

 

Exhaling her name will not bring her back.

 

* * *

 

 

 

She returns to Seoul the day after.

 

Jennie doesn't leave her thoughts.

 

(She never left her mind in the first place.)

 

She walks inside her apartment with a heavy heart. She's been lost in her mind for hours now, thinking about  _Jennie, Jennie, and Jennie._

 

_Why was she in a hospital?_ Her eyes squint curiously as that thought circles around her head.

 

She unlocks the door and slowly opens it. The faint squeak can be heard in the room. Lisa kicks off her shoes absentmindedly, she hears a door open and close and faint shuffling in the background.

 

"Lisa? Is that you?" She sees her girlfriend rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she walks closer to Lisa.

 

"Hey, babe," Lisa hums softly. A sweet smile danced its way to Sunmi's lips, she immediately launches herself to the Thai and starts nuzzling Lisa's neck.

 

Lisa hugs her girlfriend tightly and kisses the side of her head. "I missed you," Sunmi whispers against her neck.

 

Lisa lets out a soft laugh, Sunmi's hot breath tickles her. "that quick? Babe, I was only gone for two days."

 

The older girl looks up at her, "still, that doesn't mean I can't miss you." She pouts causing Lisa to kiss her on the nose. "And besides it felt lonely without you."

 

"You're such a baby," the Thai chuckles.

 

"But I'm your baby," Sunmi smiles and kisses Lisa on the lips.

 

The Thai reciprocates the kiss half-heartedly. Sunmi tries to deepen the kiss and Lisa lets her.

 

Lisa wants a distraction but a soon as Sunmi starts to unbutton her jeans she quickly changed her mind.

 

"Hey, what's wrong?" Sunmi stops what she's doing and gazes at Lisa with puzzled but concerned eyes.

 

Lisa leans her forehead against her. "Nothing, nothing. Just someone..." she breathes out, looking blankly at the floor.

 

"Babe, you're mom's gonna be okay. Don't worry." Sunmi cups her cheek and kisses her sweetly. 

 

"No, it's not about my mom..." Lisa pulls away and sits on the sofa.

 

Sunmi follows her, her brows are furrowed. "Who is it then?"

 

"Nothing..."

 

"Is it Jennie?" Lisa's eyes went wide, her body stiffs at the name.

 

"Huh? W-what? How'd you know about her?" Lisa bewilderedly asked.

 

"Remember when you and Seulgi hung out one time then you came home so drunk?" Sunmi begins, Lisa doesn't remember that part but she does remember hanging out with Seulgi, she nods prompting for Sunmi to continue.

 

"When I finally laid you down on our bed you started saying random things. I ignored you at first and continued taking your shoes off but then I heard you saying the name 'Jennie' repeatedly, you kept saying how much you love her more than anything, that you're willing to give up your writing career for her." Sunmi's voice starts to tremble but she's trying hard to compose herself.

 

"I never told you about that the next morning. You never talked about her or mentioned her once, you never told me about her, I figured maybe she's an omen to you. She's someone in the past you never want to remember but can't seem to let go." The older girl starts to wipe her eyes and Lisa feels like shit for making her feel like this.

 

"Why didn't you told me about her? Why do I need to know about her when you're not sober, Lisa?" Sunmi chokes out.

 

"I-I..." Lisa tries to say something.

 

"Lis..."

 

"Just like what you said, she's an omen. I wanted to forget about her. And when I met you, you're like this breath of fresh air, and I don't want Jennie to pollute that. So, that's why I never told you about her." Lisa admits, swallowing the lump in her throat.

 

"Do you love me?" Sunmi suddenly asks.

 

"Yeah, I do..."

 

"Do you love me the way you love her?"

 

Lisa looks at her, her doe-eyes screams sorry.

 

"Not even close..."

 

* * *

 

 

after a year and a half of being together, they break it off.

 

"Here, let me help you with that." Lisa offers as she takes the huge box out of Sunmi's hold.

 

"Oh, sure," Sunmi replies.

 

They're walking to the bus station. Sunmi already packed all her things from Lisa's apartment.

 

The walk was awkward and tense.

 

"Where are you gonna stay as of now?" Lisa tries to make small talk.

 

"I'll be staying at my parent's until I find an apartment of my own." Sunmi replies, not looking at Lisa.

 

"I'll just drop off your other things at your parents' house tomorrow. So, you don't have to worry about that." They arrived at the bus stop after five minutes of walking.

 

Sunmi was two steps away from Lisa. she still kinds of loathe her, but she tries not to, tries to understand Lisa's feelings and accept the fact. but a huge part of her is hurt and it's kind of impossible not to hate her, but a huge part of her still loves the girl, and fuck, she doesn't know what to feel.

 

They were silent for a while until Sunmi spoke, "did you really love me? Please, be honest."

 

Lisa looks at her, "yeah, I did. I loved you the best way I can." She sadly smiles.

 

"Did I at least made you happy?"

 

"You did. In your own way, you did. And that's enough." Lisa tells her.

 

"Is it, though? It wasn't enough to make you stay..."

 

Lisa stays silent.

 

"I'm sorry..." Lisa murmurs.

 

"You don't have to say sorry, I don't have a say in what you feel. But, if you weren't sure the first time then we shouldn't have let it get to this point." Sunmi tells her, pain evident in her voice.

 

"Can you forgive me one day? It doesn't have to be sooner but I want to know if you'd forgive me. You became important to me too."

 

"I could, but give me time to heal."

 

The bus halts in front of them, the two ex-lovers looked at each other.

 

"I'll see you in some other time." Lisa gives her a small smile.

 

"You will" Sunmi takes the box out of her grip.

 

Lisa waves her goodbye, her arm like a windscreen wiper on a rainy day. She watches Sunmi leave her holding a box of her things, it reminds her the day Jennie did the same thing. The bus revved up and ambles to the road. Lisa watches it disappear little by little.

 

Lisa knows it's true now, what she feared. She only loved her when she leaves.

 

* * *

 

 

At a random day, she thought of a ridiculous yet sensible idea.

 

She's going to go back to Busan to mend everything she had caused to the cat-eyed girl.

 

"Are you fucking insane?" Chaeyoung yells at her, her hands on her hips as she watches the Thai shove her stuff inside her suitcases and bags.

 

"Not really," Lisa replies. "But for Jennie? I'd say yes."

 

"Jesus, Lisa..." Chaeyoung grumbles as she sits down on Lisa's bed. "I don't know if I should call you dumb or fervent."

 

"I consider myself both, honestly." Lisa shrugs nonchalantly. Chaeyoung watches her friend briskly walk in her room looking for the things she seemed to misplace.

 

_"Where is it? Where is it?"_ Lisa keeps repeating to herself as she tries to find her favorite Queen shirt that she might or might not lost. Of course, Lisa wouldn't accept it was lost, it was misplaced, that's the right word.

 

"I don't know why you didn't choose to stay with Sunmi. She loved you very much and is a great person." Chaeyoung comments.

 

"I did love her, I swear. it's just that... Jennie's always been the person I search for in every crowd and in every person." Lisa replies as she rummages through her closet.

 

"What about this apartment?" Chaeyoung reasons out.

 

"Then I'll rent it out," Lisa nonchalantly tells her.

 

"You're stupid for letting Sunmi go— no, you're stupid for letting go every amazing girl that comes into your way because of someone you still can't get over with." Chaeyoung badgered. Lisa stops what she's doing, her fist clenching at her friend's words.

 

She turns around to look at Chaeyoung straight in the eye, "she's not just someone. She's Jennie! And you know how much she means to me!" Lisa seethed pointing an accusing finger at the Aussie.

 

"Lisa it's been five years!" Chaeyoung counters.

 

"It's also been ten years since your dad left!"

 

The room fell into complete silence. Chaeyoung glares at her, eyes glistening.

 

Lisa lets out a heavy sigh, "I'm sorry, Chaeng. I'm very sorry." she sits beside the older girl.

 

"All I wanted to point out is that just because it happened a long time ago doesn't mean the pain and the remorse isn't there anymore." Lisa embraces Chaeyoung in a warm hug.

 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that-" Lisa apologizes but the latter stops her.

 

"It's fine. It's my fault anyway." Chaeyoung sniffles while she wipes at her eyes. "I was being a bitch to you." She chuckles and Lisa pinches her cheek playfully.

 

"But whether you like it or not I'm going back to Busan." Lisa pulls away from the hug, she looks at Chaeyoung with seriousness in her eyes. "I want to fix what I broke." 

 

"How are you so sure that you're still in love with Jennie? What if you're just too eager to fix everything because of remorse?" Chaeyoung asks.

 

"Jennie... she made me feel things that are beyond what I can decipher. She made me feel things that my words or stories can't even justify. She's the only person that made me feel that way and even now the feeling is still there, and I think it'll always be there."

 

"you're that in love with her, huh?" Chaeyoung gives her a small smile.

 

Lisa nods, "apparently, yeah. And I'm willing to do everything just to be with her again."

 

"What if she doesn't want to?" Chaeyoung asks her worriedly.

 

"Then, I'll let her go."

 

"If that ever happens Seulgi, Irene and I are here to comfort you, you monkey." Chaeyoung laughs as she ruffles Lisa's hair.

 

"Thanks, Chaeng." Lisa smiles at her.

 

"Anyway, your favorite Queen t-shirt is in my bag." Chaeyoung suddenly muses.

 

"What?! Why didn't you tell me? And why is it in your bag?!" Lisa shoves her.

 

Chaeyoung laughs at her, "I want to piss you off, that's why." She pulls out the shirt from her bag and throws it at Lisa.

 

"You're such an asshole, I swear." Lisa says as she catches the shirt. "I'm glad I'm leaving you in here in Seoul."

 

"Yeah, but I'll visit you in Busan every weekend and annoy the shit of you there." Chaeyoung keeps on laughing.

 

"I'd lock you out then." Lisa rolls her eyes and continues to pack her stuff.

 

But everything Chaeyoung said did make an impact. 'What ifs' starts to fill her brain, she tries to dismiss those thoughts away by packing her stuff as a distraction. And if Jennie doesn't want to be with her anymore, then she'll let her go without hesitation.

 

But right now she just wants to make it up to her.

 

* * *

 

 

She drives to Busan and finally arrives in her parent's house at one in the afternoon.

 

She stands in the front door and knocks a couple of time for her parents to hear. The door opens revealing her mom who was none other than surprised to see her only daughter standing in front of her with suitcases and huge bags with her.

 

"Can I come in?"

 

Her mom nods, still flabbergasted. "Sure, sweetie." She steps asides and lets Lisa in.

 

"What came through your head Lalisa to do all of this?" The older woman shakes her head helping her daughter with the luggage.

 

"I'll tell you everything later, help me with these first, mom."

 

After putting all of Lisa's luggage in her childhood room they sat at the kitchen to talk.

 

"Where's dad?" Lisa starts.

 

"He's been busy with work for the past few days, he won't be here until twelve a.m." Her mom answered. "Enough about that, what are you doing here, Lalisa?"

 

"I'm going to move here now, mom" the older woman chokes in her orange juice.

 

"What?! What about Seoul? your job? And your life there?"

 

"Don't worry about those, I can handle all of that," Lisa assures the woman in front of her.

 

"Then why did you decided to come back?"

 

"Jennie,"

 

"But aren't you two together anymore?"  _Ouch._

 

"I'm going to fix everything with her, mom." Lisa's really determined.

 

She sees her mother sighs and she doesn't know what that supposed to mean. "And I saw her at the hospital. In the chemo room when I went back to get your purse. I wonder what she's doing there." Lisa's tone became crestfallen.

 

"I wish the best for you, Lisa." Her mom holds her hand and gives her an assuring smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa stands in front of the hospital building, she takes a deep breath and walks inside. She tries her best to smile at the receptionist who wasn't even trying to be friendly at all, she understands though, she could see the dark circles under her eyes even if she had make-up on.

 

"What is it?" the woman asked her.

 

"Uhm, Jennie Kim, I'm looking for her," she answers, anxiously biting her fingernails.

 

"who are you supposed to be?" Lisa didn't know how to answer this one. She doesn't know if she is still considered a friend after all those years. What is she supposed to say then?

 

"Uhm, uhm..." Lisa prolongs, trying to think of a label that would suit her.

 

"If you can't even decide then maybe you shouldn't have to visit her. And besides, this Jennie Kim doesn't want a lot of people visiting her." the lady dismisses her off and went back to check the files stacked in front of her.

 

Lisa sighs and nods, she's about to walk away until someone taps her on the shoulder. She turns around and saw a nurse who's too beautiful, if she wasn't wearing the uniform she would've mistaken her as an actress.

 

"Are you looking for Jennie Kim?" the nurse asked.

 

"Yeah, yeah I am. Do you know where she is?" Lisa's hopeful.

 

"I do."The beautiful woman smiled. "Come on, I'll take you to her."

 

"thank you very much, uh-" Lisa tries to read her name tag.

 

"Jisoo,"

 

"thank you, Jisoo."

 

the Thai started to follow the nurse, the hospital was too big that if it wasn't for the nurse's help she'd be lost, Lisa wants to repay her for her kindness.

 

"how come you know Jennie?" Lisa asks curiously as they walked upstairs.

 

"Oh, I'm her nurse."

 

_nurse?_

 

"you know, Jennie barely has visitors. It's only her dad, and her friend, Nayeon. I feel sad for her, I wonder if she has other people to be there for her. So, I'm really glad you're here to visit her."Jisoo tells her.

 

"what happened to Jennie, if you don't mind me asking..." Lisa tries to pry.

 

"she's sick, really sick," Jisoo tells her heavy heartedly.

 

"what do you mean?" Lisa was getting jittery but mostly scared. _What does she mean?_

 

"she has cancer. Lung cancer, to be exact. The tumor was already growing in her lungs when she was twenty-two, I think. it worsened when she started to smoke heavily. And she was late when she found out that she has it. Poor girl, she's too young and her life is way ahead of her but cancer's always been a bitch, doesn't matter what your age is." Jisoo explains dejectedly.

 

Lisa's heart slams in a break. The loud and jarring screeching of tires in Lisa's ears nearly drowns Jisoo's voice out completely.

 

"and this is where we stop," Jisoo announces, they were now standing in front of the chemotherapy room. Lisa snaps out of her trance and gives Jisoo a small smile.

 

"thanks again, Jisoo."

 

"no problem," Jisoo smiles meekly at the taller girl. "by the way, she usually sits by the window. And she goes here for chemo every Friday. I'll be back later to assist her, I'm just going to do something. Take care of her for me." Jisoo informs her and before Lisa could say something the nurse scurries off.

 

She walks inside the chemotherapy room, she digs her fingernails into the palm of her hand and prepares herself for another heartbreak that'll come her way.

 

She follows Jisoo's direction and there she was. Jennie Kim in all her glory, sitting by the window looking at the metropolis outside. Her hair is flowing this time, covering her exhaustion and tiredness plastered on her face. she's wearing something Lisa would expect Jennie would wear outside; a Chanel coat, slacks, and her old pair of doc martens.

 

Lisa wants to cry at the sight of the girl she always looked for in the past years. Now she's there, right in front of her, chemo injected in her forearm, and she doesn't know if she wants to take a step closer. She knows it'll only stab her in the heart.

 

Jennie turns her head, she can feel someone's stare burning at the back of her head. And there she sees Lisa looking at her with teary eyes and a heavy heart. She didn't see this coming.

 

"Lisa? what are you doing here?" she weakly shifts her position in her chair to look at the taller girl better.

 

"For you. I'm here for you." Lisa chokes out, trying her best to keep her tears in bay. God, she looks so different yet still the same.

 

The Thai carefully steps forward, she pulls the empty chair and sits in front of Jennie.

 

"you shouldn't have..." Jennie sighs, looking at the ground too afraid to look at Lisa's teary eyes. She doesn't want to see her cry.

 

"But I want to. I need to. I kept looking for you everywhere and in everyone. And now you're in front of me and I want to make it up to you." Lisa tells her, she tries to hold her hand but Jennie flinched away like she's been burnt. Jennie's reaction stings Lisa.

 

"but you shouldn't have, Lisa!" Jennie's didn't mean to shout at her. She's just tired. "you're only hurting yourself."

 

"and you're hurting me..."Jennie's voice was quiet. "you should've given up, Lis. That'd be better than watch me reach my death."

 

"why didn't you tell us? why didn't you tell me?" Lisa sobs, a feeling of anger boiling in her chest.

 

"I didn't want all of you to know. Especially you. It would only be painful for both sides." Jennie admits.

 

Lisa's silent.

 

"you're still a friend. Even if that part dies at least we can say we still tried. And I don't want to hurt you." 

 

* * *

 

"I would've stayed, Jen. I should've,"

 

Jennie looks at Lisa, she wants to hit her and shove her because that's what she deserves for leaving her and for letting her go.

 

"Tell me, Lisa. Was it worth it?" Jennie asks her, the anger is still there.

 

Lisa shakes her head no. _God, no, it never was._ "It never was, because I lost you."

 

"I wanted us to last, Jennie. I really wanted to." Lisa's choking in her tears while Jennie tries not to, she's trying to keep a stoic face in front of her, wants to pretend she's not hurt anymore, but in reality, she'll always be.

 

"We did last, though... for a while."

 

* * *

 

 

 

Nayeon arrives to fetch Jennie. She glares at the blonde as soon as her eyes landed on her.

 

"what did I told you? get the fuck away from her, right?" Nayeon reprimands her. Jennie holds her wrist stopping her from spitting out all of her anger at the Thai in front of her.

 

"Nayeon, don't. We just talked." Jennie tells her. The girl stands up from her seat, having a little bit of difficulty.

 

"If I see you here again, Manoban, I won't hesitate to kick you out." Nayeon grits her teeth, Lisa knows she deserves every insult Nayeon throws at her.

 

"fuck you for breaking my best friend in more ways than one." Nayeon lastly tells her before they trail off. Jennie looks at Lisa one last time and Lisa can read she's sorry.

 

They both left. And Lisa was left alone.

 

"Hey," she looks up and sees Jisoo looking at her sympathetically.

 

"that was a rough visit," Jisoo comments taking a seat beside the younger girl.

 

"Yeah, I shouldn't have visited her..." Lisa lamented, already fixing her things to leave.

 

"no, don't stop visiting her. I swear it'll get better." Jisoo holds her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

 

"you're so eager to help me." Lisa softly chuckles.

 

"you seemed to love her too much. And Jennie... I think she loves you too, but the pain still haunts her."

 

"It'll get better." Jisoo reassures her once again.

 

she hopes it does.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa came back to visit again on a Friday.

 

"You're here again..." she hears Jennie say harshly, she's looking at the window not giving Lisa a spare glance.

 

"yeah..."

 

"I'm not leaving you anymore, Jen. This time I'll stay. For as long as you want me to." Lisa tells her.

 

Jennie discreetly smiles.

 

* * *

 

 

It's Friday again.

 

"I-uhm, I brought food." Lisa holds up the plastic bag she's carrying. "they're your favorite by the way. Oh! and I also brought you your favorite milk ice cream. It was the last one, you know? I had to fight a grumpy old lady to get it." Lisa chuckles to herself while she takes a seat in front of Jennie.

 

"you did?" Jennie softly chuckles. Lisa smiled widely, it's been a while since she heard that sound and she missed it too much.

 

"I did. We fought over the bucket but when it was finally in my hands I ran toward the cashier as fast as I can." Lisa cackled telling the story.

 

Jennie burst out in laughter. "that is such a Lisa thing to do."

 

Lisa smiles to herself.  _That's progress. high five, Lisa._

 

* * *

 

 

It's been almost four weeks since she first visited Jennie.

 

She made big progress trying to win Jennie again. Doesn't matter if it's her heart or friendship, what matters is Jennie letting her in again.

 

"you know, I was dumb for letting you go and kept finding you in every people," Lisa admits, holding up a spoon in front of Jennie's lips.

 

Lisa persuaded Jennie that she'll feed her, Jennie kept telling her it's stupid and embarrassing. But Lisa kept on insisting until the older girl gave up and surrendered.

 

"we're both dumb for letting each other go," Jennie clarified then eats the food on the spoon.

 

Jennie chews slowly as she watched Lisa drown in her own guilt.

 

"Lis, stop blaming yourself..." she tells her.

 

"hey, swallow your food first before talking." Lisa accusingly points at her with the spoon. Jennie playfully rolls her eyes at the latter's silly antics. Jennie admits that's one of the reasons she fell for Lisa in the first place.

 

"I can't help blame myself. You know after we broke up there's just too many what ifs circling my head. _What if I listened? what if I spared her a glance? what if I didn't focused on my studies that much? what if I stayed?-_ "

 

"Lis, stop. We both have made mistakes and we know that and we learned from that. And now we're here, trying to right our wrongs." Jennie holds her hand and Lisa stops rambling. Lisa never thought she'd be able to hold them ever again, but she couldn't look the owner in the eye.

 

"Jennie, we don't have to be anything. We could be friends, lovers, or whatever, I don't care. I just want to be in your life again. I hope you can forgive me for that night I let you go." Lisa was now pleading.

 

Jennie cups her face, her usually warm hands are now cold. "I already forgave you," Jennie tells her eye to eye. She places a soft kiss on Lisa's nose.

 

"I already forgave you."

 

* * *

 

 

It was the first Friday of August.

 

"Lis?" Jennie calls out softly.

 

Lisa looks up from her phone. "what is it?"

 

"can you please get my purse?"Jennie asks pointing at the purse near Lisa's chair.

 

"sure,"

 

The latter picks it up. "and can you please get the book there?"

 

"Alright," Lisa nods and rummages through Jennie's purse. She pulls out the only book there, she's surprised it was her first published novel.

 

"You kept this?" Lisa asks bewildered. Jennie nods. "I thought you hated my book."

 

"I never hated your book or your writings. When you sent me your first novel I wanted to throw it out, it reminds me of all the times we fought and all of my sleepless nights from crying, but I never did. When time passed, I started to bring it everywhere with me because it comforts me, it comforts me because it's a part of you." Jennie admits.

 

"And I could never ever throw things that reminds me of you, I can never do that to you."

 

* * *

 

 

"how's it going with Jongin?" Lisa asks, the bitterness is still there.

"we're not together for a long time now, Lisa." Jennie chuckles.

 

_"oh."_

 

"Jen, can I ask you something?" Lisa quietly asks.

 

"hm?" she hums.

 

"why did you left me for him?"

 

"maybe because he was there at that time when my mom died. I was desperate to have somebody to stay, and he was that person who stayed and I held on to him." Jennie says.

 

"I'm sorry..." Lisa murmurs.

 

"it's okay, Lisa."

 

"di-did you loved him?" Lisa stammers.

 

"I didn't," Jennie admits and Lisa feels her breath hitched.

 

 

" I think I could never love anyone since you."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jennie asked Lisa if she wanted to move in with her.

 

Lisa nods and the next day she stands in front of Jennie's apartment with suitcases.

 

Jennie opens the door and tackles Lisa in a tight hug with all the strength she has. Lisa walks inside the apartment and Jennie doesn't let her go.

 

Lisa is determined to get it right this time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jennie finds Lisa's notebook sprawled out on the sofa. Jennie shakes her head at Lisa's messiness.  _She didn't change one bit,_ Jennie inwardly says and a smile crept up to her face.

 

She sees Lisa's writing drafts and she can't help but smile when she keeps seeing her name.

 

"Nini, have you seen my notebook? It's the yellow one." Lisa comes out from the kitchen and walks toward Jennie.

 

"Oh, there it is." Lisa sighs in relief and Jennie gives it to her.

 

"you still write about me?" Jennie can't help but smile.

 

Lisa shyly averts her gaze. "yeah..."

 

"Aw, Lis." Jennie coos while blushing.

 

"I never stopped writing about you."

 

 

Nayeon was going to drive Jennie to the hospital for her chemotherapy.

 

She knocks on Jennie's apartment and the door opens revealing Lisa.

 

"I told you to get away from-" Nayeon was cut off by Jennie.

 

"Hi, Nayeon. Can Lisa come with us?" Jennie innocently asks. Nayeon can't help but say yes to her best friend.

 

"what is she doing in your apartment?" Nayeon asks, annoyed. They're in the car waiting for Lisa, the Thai forgot Jennie's medicines.

 

"she lives with me now" Jennie simply answers.

 

"what?! are you two back together now?" Nayeon gapes.

 

"I don't know, but I still love her. And I want her to be with me every single day." Jennie feels the burning thick and hot tears threatening to fall.

 

Nayeon lets out a defeated sigh, even if she still hates Lisa she'll try her best to tolerate her for Jennie. "Just promise me she'll take care of you. If she leaves you again I won't hesitate to beat her up."

 

"she won't."

 

Jennie's a hundred percent sure Lisa won't leave her again, and she wouldn't let that happen anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

They're both determined to get this right. They're trying. Every morning she watches Lisa eat cereal from her favorite yellow bowl, and she steals sips from Lisa's hot choco in the morning. Lisa tickles her as punishment whenever she catches her, and Jennie will laugh and laugh as if she wasn't sick.

 

The children in them are starting to live again.

 

The first time Lisa cuddles with Jennie, she asks permission first. Which, totally didn't made Jennie's heart melt. (Okay, maybe a little bit.)

 

They only kiss each other in the cheek and nowhere else. When Jennie is sleepy, Lisa can't help but kiss Jennie on the forehead or on the tips of her fingers. When Lisa falls asleep on the sofa Jennie gives her butterfly kisses to wake her up. Sometimes Lisa pretends to be asleep just to make Jennie do it. Jennie founds out about this information when Lisa unintentionally exposed herself in the game of truth or dare.

 

They don't know what to label themselves. They're between nothing less and nothing more.

 

So, Jennie makes a plan. She's going to talk to Lisa. About feelings. And the thought makes her want to run for her dear life, but she needs to do this.

 

Jennie feels seventeen again.

 

Jennie wakes up a little earlier than usual and prepares their breakfast. She braces her heart for whatever that'll happen.

 

Lisa finally wakes up and immediately hugs Jennie. Lisa sat on the dining table and Jennie prepares the food.

 

Jennie sits in front of Lisa and takes in a deep breath.

 

"you okay?" Lisa chuckles, voice raspy from sleep.

 

"I am fine, yeah," Jennie answers, softly and quietly. "I just need to tell you something." both girls brace themselves at the words that'll come out each other's mouth.

 

Lisa narrows her eyes. "is everything alright?"

 

"bear with me, okay?"

 

Lisa nods her head diligently.

 

"okay." Jennie sighs for the nth time. "I love you. I still love you. I think I never stopped."

 

And silence.

 

Jennie's heart starts thumping profusely and tears are already coming out of her eyes.

 

"Jen," Lisa chuckles, standing up from her seat to walk toward Jennie. She bends down to level herself with Jennie's gaze. "of course, I love you too, you idiot. That's why I came back to you."

 

"do you want to be my girlfriend then?" Jennie sobs out and Lisa laughs at the latter's dramatic crying.

 

"yes, yes and yes." Lisa cups her face, gently. Rubs her thumb over Jennie's cute cheeks, over and over again. And she kisses Jennie square in the lips. They keep kissing each other and hopes it will be enough, that everything they went through finally paid off.

 

Jennie thinks this is perfect.

 

If only this could last longer.

 

* * *

 

 

Everything was going well until Jennie's sickness became worse.

 

Lisa hated this.

 

Happiness has always been a ticking time bomb for her.

 

Jennie lays on her hospital bed while Lisa watches her. She's sleeping peacefully and for the love of God or any powerful being up there, Lisa wishes Jennie wouldn't leave her again, this time permanently.

 

There was a knock on the door and Jisoo comes in.

 

"hey..."

 

"Hey" Lisa replies, voice raspy from crying.

 

"I know everything is tough right now, Lisa. I hope you'll stay strong." Jisoo holds her hand, her thumb rubbing over Lisa's. "and I bought you food. You haven't eaten since breakfast, Lalisa and that's not healthy." Jisoo scolds her.

 

"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood to eat," Lisa tells her, weakly.

 

"no, you're going to eat whether you like it or not." Jisoo stubbornly tells her. She sits beside Lisa and holds up the chopsticks with noodles in front of the Thai. Lisa defeatedly eats the food in front of her.

 

"you're like a mother bird trying to feed her little chicks." Lisa comments and Jisoo shushes her telling the younger girl to eat her food first.

 

"I'm worried sick about you, you idiot. When Jennie wakes up from her sleep she'll totally be mad at you." Jisoo tells her.

 

"I'm just really worried about her." Lisa reasons out.

 

"That you stopped worrying about yourself." Jisoo shakes her head, disappointed.

 

"well-" Lisa cuts herself off when she can't think of anything to say, Jisoo was right after all.

 

"shit," Jisoo whispers and Lisa looks at her curiously. "I forgot I need to assist a patient because of you, Lalisa."

 

"Hey, don't blame me." Lisa counters.

 

"I do blame you. Anyway here," Jisoo gives her the Chinese takeout she has bought for the Thai. "be sure to eat that. I have some errands to do." Jisoo says before she leaves. "if I came back and you haven't finished that I'll shove it in your mouth."

 

Lisa heaves out a sigh and starts to munch on the noodles. Lisa turns her head to look at Jennie, she's already awake and she's surprised to see the older girl smiling.

 

"you're smiley, why is that?" Lisa softly chuckles, caressing Jennie's hands.

 

"I want you to wife her up when I'm gone."

 

"Hey, don't say that."

 

"Lisa, it's not impossible to happen. So, please, promise to marry Jisoo-unnie when I die. She seems to like you and she's such a caring person." Jennie tells her seriously.

 

Lisa didn't know what to say.

 

* * *

 

 

Jisoo comes home to their apartment after a week of being away.

 

As soon as she enters their house she immediately tackled Lisa in a tight embrace and starts to peppers her with kisses, tickling the younger girl.

 

"How was the trip to Jeju?" Lisa asks giving Jisoo a quick peck.

 

"It was fun. I missed being with my family. And my nephews were looking for you. I think they missed you more than me." Jisoo chuckles and plops on the sofa pulling Lisa with her causing the younger girl to topple over her, their laughter echoes in the room.

 

Jisoo cups her face, running her thumb over Lisa's cheek softly, stares at her wife with wonder in her eyes. Jisoo still thinks she's the most beautiful person she's ever met.

 

"What's with that stare?" Lisa softly chuckles.

 

"I love you so much." Jisoo smiles and Lisa kisses her sweetly.

 

"I love you too. I love you more than you'll ever know." Lisa tells her sincerely. But a part of her still yearns for Jennie.

 

Jisoo smiles, she starts to trace Lisa's neck with soft kisses and nips at her saccharine skin, she starts to unbutton Lisa's jeans.

 

But the Thai stops her. Jisoo looks at her, confused. "Why? Is there something wrong?" The older girl asks, concern laced in every syllable.

 

"I-I just can't right now... I'm sorry." Lisa apologizes and kisses the latter on the forehead. She stands up and walks toward her office and shuts the door.

 

Jisoo sits up and heaves out a dejected sigh, her lips quivering but she tries to hold it in.

 

She sees an unfamiliar picture on the coffee table and picks it up.

 

It's Jennie.

 

She breaks down and starts to cry.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a cloudy day.

 

Jisoo places the lilies she bought on Jennie's grave.

 

"You were just a chapter in my life. But you're a book and many more to Lisa's." Jisoo takes in a breath.

 

"You're a lovely person, Jennie. From the time I was given to get to know you, I understood why you're the only person that ever held Lisa's heart, and I understood why Lisa only let you." Jisoo's voice is now trembling, her shoulders shaking because of the sob she's trying to hold.

 

"But, let me have this chance to finally have her." She purses her lips, muffling the cries she's holding. "Let me have this chance, Jennie. You've been gone for five years now, and you had Lisa for so long." Jisoo couldn't hold it anymore and breaks down as she pleads to a stone.

 

"Let me have her, Jen."

 

* * *

 

Everyday Lisa sits beside Jennie. And Jennie will tell her all the stories she could remember. Lisa would laugh at some, Lisa would be surprised, Lisa would ask questions. Some stories are boring but Lisa would still love it.

 

Lisa will always listen. She fears every word is her last. That this is her tomb and the stone.

 

At every pause, Lisa's heart would stop but Jennie continues remembering the next scenario and Lisa's heart would beat again.

 

Until there is a way to radiate Jennie, she'd be the most of herself to bring her blissful enchantments she could give her.

 

Lisa immortalizes every single thought that has Jennie in it. She knows she shouldn't have, but it's Jennie. And Jennie...

 

She always had her.

 

She knows giving her whole heart to the older girl will be her best choice. Or it will be wrong and simply would be a mistake. But she keeps on believing, that no matter what she'll always keep this fire alive with her—burning and continuing to light each other, to blanket every shadow between them, to gravitate with the stars and constellations, to keep everything heartfelt for the best of it.

 

Jennie has always been the substance, stimulation, and the entirety of her words. Jennie gave her colors, black or white, red, yellow and blue. She gave her colors nevertheless its shade.

 

God, she doesn't want to lose her.

 

She never wants to lose her.

 

* * *

 

 

She visits Jennie's grave again.

 

She bought roses this time.

 

Lisa takes in a breath, "Sometimes writing feels like I am turning the ugliness into something beautiful. When in reality it's just as ugly as it is."

 

"I hate you for leaving me, Jennie."

 

"I could spend a lifetime trying to bury you, yet all it takes is a glimpse of your face and I'd get back to where I started." Lisa kicks a pebble, releasing the anger she still has after all those years.

 

"After all this time I can still smell you. It's just a whiff and then it's gone. I can still see you smiling like a faded memory. Tainting you was such an impossible thing to do. Especially when I immortalized every thought of you. Maybe I'm crazy but I still hold out hope that when I return home you'd be the first person I'd see."

 

"I'll never get used to you being gone." Lisa traces the letters on the tomb.

 

"We wanted to touch the stars but we couldn't make it ourselves."

 

* * *

 

 

"Hello," Lisa says through the phone.

 

_"Hey, Lis."_ Irene replies.

 

"It's been a while, Irene. How are you?" Lisa asks.

 

_"Life's going great, Lis."_ She can see Irene smiling as she says those words.

 

"How's little Eun Jung?" Lisa asks about her five-year-old niece. She hasn't seen her in a while and she misses the child.

 

_"She's with her mama Seul. Seulgi took her to an art museum. She misses you, though. Keeps asking me about auntie Lisa."_ Irene chuckles softly.

 

"Tell her I miss her too, and I can't wait to pepper her kisses."

 

_"She'd love that,"_ Irene coos.

 

_"Lis,"_ Irene prolongs.  _"You needed to hear this."_

 

"What is it?"

 

_"I was going to Jennie's grave to give her flowers. And I saw Jisoo crying there."_  Irene confesses.

 

Lisa listens.

 

_"I called to tell you that, you should let Jennie go and be there for Jisoo. She loves you so much, you know?"_ Irene tells her.

 

"I will... I promise." Lisa ends the call. She knows Irene is right.

 

She needs to let her go.

 

* * *

 

 

"You should go home and take a rest, Lis." Jennie tells her weakly.

 

"I don't want to leave you," Lisa pouts.

 

"I'll be fine. I want you to take care of yourself, idiot." Jennie chuckles softly.

 

"Alright, I'll do it for you." Lisa sighs defeatedly and Jennie smiles at her. Lisa starts packing a few of her things and slips her bag.

 

She bends down and kisses Jennie. She hovers over her and thinks, she decides to give her more kisses. Jennie laughs against Lisa's lips.

 

"I love you so much. You're the only person I loved this much." Jennie tells her, muffling her sob. She stares at Lisa, sincerity only in her eyes.

 

"You're being sappy," Lisa chuckles. "I love you too, so much. And I'll never get tired of saying that." Lisa kisses her one last time.

 

She stands up and waves at Jennie, "Bye for now. Don't worry I'll be back for you tomorrow."

 

"Goodbye, Lis." Jennie smiles contently.

 

There wasn't a tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Everyone has moments in their life where it was the last time they did something, had something, had someone, but they never knew it was the last time. They think they will have more. They think they have tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and for a lifetime. In Lisa's case, it was this moment.

 

Jennie died in October.

 

Jennie died in the autumn, the season that reminds people that things wither without our consent or control. The season that reminds us that people fall like the garlands of dry leaves pirouetting their way to the soil of the earth.

 

Lisa wished she could've died in the summer. Autumn's too melancholic and monochrome. Jennie should've left her in the summer, at least the sun would be the one to comfort her instead of the rain.

 

The sky was cloudy and dark, it looks like it could rain in any minute.

 

People started to leave the funeral. Jennie was already six feet under, along with Lisa's heart. Lisa stares at the tomb blankly, eyes bloodshot.

 

"It'll be fine, Lis, you'll be fine," Seulgi whispers sympathetically. She hugs the younger girl and kisses her on the side of her head.

 

"We're here, Lis." Irene hugs her tightly, Lisa could feel her baby bump poking her.

 

Lisa doesn't speak.

 

"We have to go now, just call us if you need anything." Seulgi rubs her arm soothingly. Seulgi and Irene leave.

 

"Lis..." Chaeyoung hugs her. Crying on the Thai's shoulder. "I'm here. We'll get through this together." She kisses Lisa's forehead. Lisa doesn't move at all.

 

Chaeyoung leaves her. She continues to stand in front of Jennie's grave. Her eyes staring blankly at the stone, she keeps reading  _'here lies Jennie Kim'._

 

She doesn't believe this is real.

 

"Lisa," she hears Jennie's dad. She turns to look at him.

 

"Jennie asked me to give you this," He gives her a wooden box. "All of her important things are there."

 

"Thank you for loving and taking care of my daughter. She loved you more than you'll ever know. I'm grateful for you." He pats her shoulder gently and gives her an appreciative smile. This was the first time Lisa saw him look at her like that, he's always been hard and mean to her ever since they were fifteen.

 

Lisa nods. He smiles one last time and trails off.

 

When everyone left the rain started to pour.

 

Perfect, the world is really playing with her feelings right now.

 

She can't bring herself to leave her. Even in her death, Lisa can't seem to leave her.

 

The rain stopped hitting her, she turns her head to the right and finds Jisoo sympathetically smiling at her while holding an umbrella to prevent her from getting soaked.

 

"It's raining, you idiot. You'll get sick. Luckily, I brought an umbrella." Jisoo smacks her softly.

 

"You always worry about me getting sick." Lisa chuckles, her voice raspy from all the crying.

 

"Because I care for you." Jisoo nudges her playfully.

 

"Thanks," Lisa smiles.

 

"For what?"

 

"For being here with me," Lisa tells her quietly.

 

"I'll stay here as long as you want me to." Jisoo tangles their hands together.

 

* * *

 

 

Lisa came back to Jennie's grave.

 

So, maybe this is the end of it.

 

Maybe this is finally the day she would be strong enough to end it.

 

After holding on for too many years, she's going to let her go now.

 

Finally, this time.

 

A love like hers were vines. Growing and tangling into every fiber of who she was until the love was everything in her. Until the love became her stimulation. Until she was this love that she felt.

 

She kneels down and her fingertips slowly brush the letterings inscribed in the stone.

 

"I realized, that there's no other way to live life, but to take a step forward." Lisa muffles her cries. She takes in another deep breath to gather all the courage she could muster for this moment. 

 

"You can't undo things no matter how many times you try to turn around and look back," Her shoulders quivering, she's holding on to the stone for strength. "No matter what I do, I can't bring you back." This is where Lisa starts to break down, the truth was still hard to accept.

 

"Time doesn't run backwards, and we can't be forever stuck in the past. The way I can't be stuck forever holding on to you." 

 

"It's time to let you go, Jennie." Lisa feels it. The pinch of her heart and the twist of her gut. She looks up and starts to slow her breathing.

 

She sees the figure of Jennie looking right at her, she's glowing in ephemeral hues, ornate colors splatters in her apparition, and she's smiling, it's a sad smile. 

 

She beckons for Lisa to come closer, Lisa tries her best not to reach out for her. Reaching out for her means going back to square one all over again.

 

She doesn't want that anymore.

 

In such minute detail, she's forbidden to look back at the past, for it will conquer her and relatively weaken her.

 

Jennie's watching, waiting, and glowing-- but she was always too far from Lisa's reach.

 

Lisa already climbed hills and mountains, but even for once she was never close enough. Will never be close enough. 

 

Jennie was born on earth, but she was meant to be with the heavens.

 

So, for now, she'll close her eyes and dream of her. And maybe one day, she'll get to see her again. Where time doesn't fade away and they would stand still in that moment. Forever.

 

But in this world, she would have to let her go.

 

"I should stop writing about you, stop keeping you alive. It's time to write about other things. Maybe, it's time I start writing about Jisoo." Lisa stands up, dusting her coat.

 

"It's time to let you go." 

 

She looks at the grave one last time and leaves.

 

Lisa never wrote another word for Jennie again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to hate me in the comments : D


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